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Pandemic Panderings
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I Miss The Quiet
I miss the quiet.
I miss the quiet of hot Sunday afternoons as I ride my bike back and forth on our gravel road, with nothing but the crunching of parched mud and sharp pebbles, and dusty sweat trickling down my temples.
I miss the quiet.
I miss the quiet sound of birds' little chirping as they build their nest meticulously in the spaces of Foxtail Palm Trees, made of brown grass and spindly twigs.
I miss the quiet.
I miss the quiet humming of our airconditioning as I stealthily escape on creaky wooden floors, memorizing the soundless planks to escape siesta time without a spank.
I miss the quiet.
I miss the quiet whimpering my dogs made as if being careful not to wake the household, profusely wagging their tails instead, excited for yet another backyard adventure ahead.
I miss the quiet.
I miss the quiet squeaking my slippers made as I walk to meet up with a neighboring kid through deserted streets, we lick our sticky hands from homemade popsicles and wave at occasional reverberating jeeps.
I miss the quiet.
I miss the quiet thump my young body makes on thick Carabao Grass, paying no mind even as I fall: from my bike, from a branch, or from a makeshift hammock that got detached.
I miss the quiet.
I miss the quiet in my soul.
I just miss the quiet simplicity of it all.
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chapter one
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Protecting your heart from being hurt
is not respecting yourself
Your heart is a muscle
and you have to let it workout
for you to be emotionally
fit and healthy
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PEOPLE
seek other opinions
EMPATHIZE
it's safe to invest your feelings sometimes
RATIONALIZE
overthink only up to a point of a solution
SPACE
step and breathe
PRIORITIZE
do what really matters [to you]
EDUCATE
be fair and objective; do not indulge ignorance
COMMUNICATE
verbalize (even if it's just to your cat)
THANKFULNESS
try hard to find even the thinnest silver lining
INVENT
there is always another way
VACATION
there is no greater teacher than travel
ERADICATE
everything and everybody that poisons your head that blinds you
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THERE WILL BE THREE TYPES OF PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE
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REALfriends
protect you from self-destruction
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FAKEfriends
indulge you for everyne else's enjoyment
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But sometimes, we do not want to be saved.
Sometimes, we just want to be lied into thinking it is okay to eat a whole cake.
That's why we need both kind of friends in our lives.
#BecauseIwantCakeForBreakfastLunchAndDinner
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Do you know the difference between murder and suicide?
With murder, you were not given a choice.
With suicide, you did not give your family a choice.
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Well, the thing about regret is...
it would not be called "re-gret" if you got it the first time.
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No one is happy by accident.
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You have lowered your pride,
and yet your walls are still high.
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The strength of your pride
weakens you.
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Sorry's are temporary
(if they were ever even meant)
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You can't bring back the past.
And yet, it repeats itself.
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How could you pick yourself off the ground
when you have not even accepted
that you already have fallen?
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If you expect nothing, you will be left with nothing and might become nothing.
[Most] People are not mind-readers.
Ask.
And you might very well receive.
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Time does not matter in art.
So stop dating everything.
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#1 Do not have time for people who do ot have time for you.
#2 Today is the day. Well, it never is.
#3 There is no point. Nothing really matters. You are just required to stay alive and survive.
#4 Tomorrow means responsibilities. Today means procrastination. Yesterday means regret.
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Curiosity made the cat smarter.
Which in turn, gave the cat a higher sense of consciousness that made it overthink existential issues. The unfathomable pointlessness of life made the cat depressed. That even eating, sleeping, and grooming itself seemed to be chores. The cat henceforth jumped from a building without landing on its feet. Because death was perceived to be worth the risk rather than just sitting on its kitty-condo and watching the birds out the window for the whole of its nine lives.
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chapter two
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An old friend of mine became a new friend during a time when I was walking blindly in a dark place and when I started to open my eyes and open the creaking doors of my mind, slowly healing myself with the guidance of a few good spirits. This apparent change made her say that she liked and accepted me before, but preferred the "new" me better.
And I wondered: "but who really is this 'new' me?"
I think she just misunderstood. People change but remain, essentially to the core, the same. It was I who suffered within myself, those mood swings, and I who opened up my raw and bleeding emotions; revealing what was underneath.
I am doing better than yesterday, but that does not necessarily mean that I have changed. I am just starting to move on--not from myself, but with myself--and leaving those things that hurt me farther behind.
It was she, whom had a change of perspective, the moment she chose to accept me during my worst and tedious moments. She also, knowingly and unknowingly, opened up and dealt with who I was, not realizing, it was who I really am. She simply got to know me better and liked me for just that.
I did not change, really. We do not change.
It is how others see us that changes us.
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I love the RAIN.
I play "water droplet race" on the window pane
the watery tracks they leave behind are a beautiful and simple art form that give me some kind of inner peace.
I especially love fierce rains
because the sound drowns my thoughts and the world seems to be in a faint black and white filter.
After the rain cleans the polluted air of the big city and rids its streets of grime
the smell of "petrichor"--the smell of earth's soul--fills my lungs.
It is a timeless smell that propells me back to childhood
A time where sleep was long and days seemed shorter
Rain reminds me of a simpler time of playing in the garden
and not being afraid of getting cold and wet
Rain not only purifies the earth but purifies one's heart.
With the cold-moistened air and watery silences it leaves behind
I am induced with the longest and most relaxing sleep
that no sunny day can ever offer.
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I hope your body will break my fall
But I don't believe in forever
No one can stand waiting that long
With you I never know where I would end up next
When I close my eyes
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Lyf s shrt.
So wt f I wnt 2 mke it shrtr?
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I MISS LOVING SOMEONE
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You know those promises you made with your best friends when you were younger?
"When we're both still single and have money, we'll travel the world together."
"When we're both still single and have given up looking for someone, we'll marry each other."
Well, I'm the only one who is left with those promises.
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As I was climbing up the boulders of the mountain
all I kept thinking about was...
"What would be more painful: falling and letting the rocks catch me
or
falling for you and you not catching me?"
So I let go.
And you know what?
The rocks felt like pillows under my neck.
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these are the things that matter to me
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I'm sorry.
But this time, I want to hear
what my head has to say.
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My chest builds a lot of pressure because of all the feelings I have inside
wanting to come out.
To feel some sort of relief
one by one I let it out
With a little "I miss you" here, a little "how are you?" there.
Slowly letting the tension of loneliness
and longing fizzle out.
It is quite ironic how much one feels inside,
and at the same time feel so empty.
My heart is like a balloon.
I try to protect it from bursting against the sharp pain that is
"unrequited love,
but can't preserve it.
Eventually shrinking into wrinkly rubber.
Neglected.
Tied up to some plastic chair.
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I cannot stop writing
lest I want to be stabbed with my own pen
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Flying among the clouds
I could see the gods having a battle
visions of strange unworldly warriors
and fierce chariots shape the clouds
Moving in slow-motion of unreal time
the clouds act out this war
happening in another dimension
Cumulus clouds of carcasses
and beheaded animals litter the sky
and they look so beautiful
Chaos within the stratosphere ensues
in a muted and peaceful manner
a divine dance of life and death
that only gods can do
and can be appreciated only in solitude
When everything is done
there is nothing left
no blood
no agonizing sounds
nothing but the silent beauty
of the clear blue sky
That is how gods fight
among the clouds
pure
simple
and straightforwardly just
The battle grounds left tabula rasa
a clean slate
to honour the next uprising
another war to settle divine discussions
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Sometimes, I forget to breathe.
I get so deep within my thoughts I nearly drown.
A short gasp for air sends me back to reality.
My reality.
I wish I had just let myself not reach the surface.
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I find myself in my bed
Half-awake
With a Bon Iver song playing in the background
I hear a clear morning outside
Birds chirping
And I find myself disappearing
On the verge of sleeping again
I soak up this moment
A marinade of peace, solitude, and music
I have to
In some imminent instant it would all cease
Trivial but of value
I want to get this solitary wakefulness enclosed within
As much as this episode permits
Because in time I have to exist
To get up and seem like I am awake
In a world living with their eyes closed
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chapter three
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OUR INFORMAL SOMEWHEN
I miss you.
But I miss you not how lovers do.
Your absence is more than that.
Because there are no expectations of romance,
Your company is nothing but comfort.
We are equal.
And yet, in a sense, we could be so much more individually and together.
Your light ocean eyes, how they shimmer.
I long to look back into a reflection of platonic admiration.
But still, they are deep with curiosity and mystery.
With a smile so genuine and sweet,
they reveal that when you think me most the silliest, are the moments you find me most endearing.
We don't hold hands as lovers do.
Instead, we wrap our arms around each other at the wooden pier.
There is a novelty in the feeling of getting to know another soul.
In the beginning, you start out somewhat how potential lovers do--the awkwardness, hesitation, the hyper consciousness, and worrying about saying or asking the wrong things.
It's like treading in an unfamiliar lake.
You try to soak up everything but without the fear of ever drowning.
We don't communicate with soft neck kisses.
Nor the simple erotic act of brushing a stray strand of hair from one's soft cheek.
But we can happily talk for hours.
And by the twinkle in your inquisitive eyes, I see you see me.
We treat each other like carefully wrapped gifts--fragile and too precious to reveal at once.
We peel off each other layer by layer, word by careful word, and keep every sliver of wrapping paper
For we know that every rip contains a fragment of thought which completes the puzzle of a lifetime of stories.
We can drink to our hearts' content without having to do the walk of shame.
Because every tiny detail is a whisper of chaste sweet nothings, hopes, dreams, and everything--in between glasses of craft beer.
I miss you because your friendship is more than a lover's desire.
You shall and can never break my heart.
Yet you inspire me, care, and want me--and these things are more important than butterflies in the stomach.
I miss our long walks by the water, alcoholic breaths of conversation, and sweet potato fries.
Together, we admire the wonders of the setting sun without the need to kiss someone at the end of a fairytale day.
Never underestimate the magnificence of an acquaintance, as it may become more than that--somewhen, a companionship of souls.
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Why is it difficult to restrain thoughts
searching for something that one should refrain from thinking of?
Why do we love a love that has moved on?
Spending many a-nights contemplating
on ugliness and wrongs; yet missing the feeling
of being touched by lust that is false.
Against the world there was an "us"
yet it was eventually against ourselves.
Why do we destroy beautiful things with our love?
How a soul held so dear
transformed into just a memory of bygone years.
Reminded only by an etch on the heart
stinging slightly by every beat of lifeblood.
A validation of a life lived once without fear.
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When I am having one of those days of feeling blue without reason, you give me a comforting kiss that makes me smile. You see your effect on me, you kiss me repeatedly. And every kiss leaves me happier and sadder at the same time, because each kiss always lands on the same plane--on my cheek and never on my lips.
You are the fairest of them all. You treat every on with equal care, equal joy, equal love, and even hate. That is how I know I am nobody special.
When Zeus split us apart, my side wounds never healed; the kept aching for you--longing a soothing reunion. But I guess, these days, there is nothing duct tape and some industrial adhesive cannot replace.
Those moments when I do not want to be with you, are the moment when I love you the most.
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You can never truly get over your first love.
Simply because that person was the first to let you in
In all their secrets and fears
The first one who let you touch their soul.
Your first love was the first alternate world you have entered
a world with a different kind of peace and happiness
both calm and exhilarating.
And how can you forget your first love
when it was the first time that you have truly felt pain
that literal pain of your heart breaking into tiny bloody pieces
pieces that only they can mend back together.
You can never truly get over your first love
and how can you
when it is always the first that dictates your choice
for your future loves.
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1. Hearing you in a song you never sang me.
2. You gave me a kiss. I gave it back.
3. Movies letting us see what we have always felt.
4. Hold my hand, you said. But I got scared.
5. It never was love. It was something beautifully alien.
6. I put my arms around you and it hurt.
7. Letting go was easier, but we loved a challenge.
8. Like a French musical masterpiece I could never understand.
9. But you had ways of making words be felt.
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We are so broken.
There are all these sharp, tiny pieces of hurt and regret
that each of us hold in our hands.
Each minute shard has a part of itself;
yet impossible to put back together.
So a few continue to cut us deeper and deeper.
How we continue to go through life mending each undending scar
With little happy memories and hopes is quite baffling.
Like how an old and simple cassette tape revealing childhood recordings
can bring out such poignant and enduring bonds
that make us remember that we are never alone
and were once so full of life and innocence.
And that is what we are all truly and repeatedly striving for
to be once again the vibrant human beings previous to the hostilities of life.
A person who is full of child-like love, happiness, and expectations.
We are born to exist in many lifetimes.
To create and reincarnate ourselves.
Therefore, we would have to experience death in some emotional form or another
to become somewhat immortal.
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"You now that faint ringing sound you hear when it's too silent," she asks.
"Yes. I think thats why people say that silence is deafening. They can't stand that sound of nothing."
She opened the palm of her hand to reveal a pair of foam ear plugs.
"I find comfort in that sound. It helps me write. That's why I always bring these with me, to carry silence wherever I go."
She puts them in and gave me a new extra pair. I did the same.
"Tell me what you hear," she mouthed.
"I hear myself breathing and my heart's subtle beating," I said, after she loosened one of her ear plugs.
She touched her palm onto my chest.
"That's the silent sound of you being alive."
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chapter four
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I
Purr purr little one
Nuzzling nose under my neck
Warmth is all we need
II
Sleeping in sun rays
Warm fur makes long days good ones
Until cold night comes
III
Wake me up with meows
Face tap with retracted claws
Only five AM
IV
Jump high feather ball
I will swipe you with my claws
Carry with my fangs
V
Red dot where art thou
Disappear and reappear
I am a tired cat
VI
My ritual cleaning
One should never be distrubed
I lick everything
VII
I meow for hunger
I meow for your attention
I meow to be loved
VIII
Baring out my claws
Make accidental scratches
Blood drips from your hands
IX
I have all nine lives
Living every day the same
Giving life to yours
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Altered with your family
Outside it is harmony
Within there is agony
Alone and lonely is rough
You wish being yourself was enough
Friends who stray
People who betray
Fighting against society is tough
You wish being yourself was enough
Hopes stay as dreams
Inspirations lose their gleam
The cards of life always bluff
You wish being yourself was enough
To the person which is you
Slowly becoming untrue
The world has gone deaf
To the part of you that is left
And you are not enough
You wish you were
But you are not
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In love,
there are no goodbyes.
Even if
the salt in your eyes
says otherwise
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Buffering is a start
to mend a broken heart
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I am reaching out
Why do you leave me drowning?
Am I not worthy to live and see another morning?
I grandly offer myself
Yet you turn away
How you replace back my heart in such disarray.
It is such a fault to love an ungraspable soul
The twists and turns I make to feel consoled.
Half of life is discovering its ironies
The other, realizing them too late--
A trick of fate!
How do I forget a kiss I never knew,
And know a forged pain in lieu?
Let me sink then in my solitude!
With my last breath I bid you adieu!
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I want someone to find me and stay for good.
Someone who want to stay even if I'm misunderstood.
I want someone to have comfortable silences with.
Even void of words that person opens my heart like a locksmith.
I want someone to look at me when I am unaware.
And the moment I meet their eyes I feel all out of air.
I want someone to be here because I want to be here with somebody too.
To feel loved by a love long overdue.
I want someone who has passions and reads.
To know how imagination has the capacity to make one bleed.
I want someone who can just make me smile for no reason.
Who can handle my mood changes like the seasons.
I want someone to find me because I want to be found.
To feel the hug of another's skin and a kiss so profound.
I want you.
I hope fate will find you soon XOXO
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I touch you with my lips
I touch you with my fingertips
It is happiness I feel inside of me
I look but there is none for me to see
My tired soul returns to consciousness
Has sleeping now become a test?
The moment my eyes are in waking
My heart is met with an aching
In wakefulness I mourn a loss
A love I ever knew could be lost
My days are spent longing for someone
Cold nights are dark begging for my sun
Should I render myself awake or asleep?
Either way, there is no one for me to keep
I was once lonely and alone
One cannot miss what was never known
But now I have tasted the light
Unable to retrieve try as I might
Again and again inside my dreams
No matter how real the warmth may seem
I wake up by myself, eyes damp
Only artificial light from a. lamp
My vanished love extracted from me
The pleasures of sleep and reverie
There is no one for me to keep
And no one to keep me
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JUST ONE TEXT
I SAID
BUT MY PHONE WENT DEAD
IT WAS A SIGN TO GET YOU
UNSTUCK FROM MY HEAD
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Morning light awakes my soul
of which my body feels a toll.
Yet again reminded of living
an existence worth for grieving.
Wounded minds worse than faint hearts
forever thinking of ways to depart.
Quite a conundrum to be alive
simply to breathe one must contrive.
Beautiful dews of gold beckon harvest
but eyes cannot see when full of darkness.
Awake my soul.
Awake my soul.
Morning light ignite the coal.
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Every tattoo
Every scar
And every shirt stain
Is a memory stamp
of either happiness or pain
All the same
They are kept for future reference
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Different thoughts from a variety of characters.
Some I recognize as my own.
Others, I would rather stop listening to.
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