A Story About Loss & Found
- theKATcloset
- Oct 11, 2019
- 17 min read
It was a rainy night in Makati City. My co-workers and I left for work and were walking on the wet streets of San Antonio Village, huddling together in our umbrellas. We were walking on the sidewalk, in a straight line…and I was the first in that line. That’s why I saw it first–a drenched puny kitten, just about the size of my open palm, crouching so tight within its body--shivering from the wet cold. I immediately caught the attention of my officemates to tell them of my sad discovery. Of course they were sad, of course they reacted with pity--and of course nobody could keep it! As we started to walk past this infant of a creature, eyes closed, concentrating to keep alive…I couldn’t. I just couldn’t leave it there. I had to do something. Panicking, I emptied my lunch bag and transferred all of my containers in my big bag, then scooped the kitty into my lunch bag (which I never used again for my lunch). I got onto a bus, carefully holding the bag in my arms, trying to warm up the kitten. It gave out a few tiny meows, but it was quiet…like it was glad to be found. I met my girlfriend at that time who was staying with me at the condo for a while. At the same time, I was excited and anxious to tell her about my tiny news. After I told her, and as I semi-expected, she kind of freaked. Lectured me like: “You don’t know how dirty that is!”, “How can you take care of it when you’re out of the house all day?”, “You take care of it ‘cause I won’t!” Actually, we even had a small fight about it when we got back to the condo. I even promised to let the kitten go once it was "big enough”…but deep inside I think I always knew I could never.
I remember even then, Kawee was a proud fighter. I let her out of my lunch bag and when I tried to pick her up, she hissed that tiny hiss of hers--I almost missed it. I thought she was sneezing. Before anything else, I decided to clean her up, but of course I my condo wasn't kitten-ready and so I didn’t have the proper resources at home. Good thing I visited the animal shop at the bottom of the condo oftentimes before even though I didn’t have a pet, and so I knew that they were open until 10pm; I just loved the thought of having one, because it gets so lonely when I’m all alone up in my unit all the time. Be careful what you wish for, eh? I bought shampoo, a baby bottle and a few wet kitten food pouches and immediately felt the forecast of my expenses. Back in the room, I bathed her as fast as I could and immediately dried her as best as I could. For liquid food, fresh milk was all I had and was worried when she wouldn’t drink from the nipple. It was late and I still had work the next day, so my [ex]girlfriend and I made a makeshift housing using my dad’s empty golf box. And then I prayed to see this kitty alive when I would wake up.
The next day at work, I researched anything and everything about raising an approximated two-week or one-week old kitten and these are what I’ve learned that day: Kittens and some cats are Lactose-Intolerant (oops), all kittens are born with blue eyes (lovely and true), mother cats have to stimulate kittens to poop or pee by licking their butts and genitals--so you can do this by using a wet cotton and rubbing lightly (amazingly it worked!), kittens need huge amounts of minerals and vitamins so KMR (kitten milk replacement) is the best option (ex-pen-sive!)–you need to feed it every three to four hours, and kittens need warmth--so place a warm bottle beside them all the time.
After work, my [ex]girlfriend and I drove Kawee to have a general check-up at the vet clinic a block away from the condo. While waiting, we were thinking about a name for her. And as corny as I am, I suggested we name her after the street where I found her that faithful night—which was “Bakawan Street”. So my ex eventually came up with the name “Kawee”. And it was good that we named her that, because my ex read on the internet that cats respond better to names with the sound ending in “eee”. At the clinic, they took her temperature and did an x-ray, the doctor just found a bit of air inside her stomach so he prescribed her a medication and olive oil to help Kawee in defecting. Little did I know that everything was just the beginning. As her initial medical bills regarding mandatory shots and vaccines went up, my salary went down, but I just didn’t mind 'cause “papa, I’m gonna keep my baby…" Fast forward, I lost a little weight and had huge bags under my eyes, but I could see that all my efforts were paying off as this kitten grew healthy, smart and followed me all around the condo–even when I’m on the toilet or taking a bath (which I never experienced with dogs growing up)! I had to get used to new things like, checking first my area before I make another step and putting toilet paper away from her reach to prevent her from scratching the hell out of it.
As she grew and reached different areas of the condo, including my bed, I’d wake up sometime in the night to find her sleeping on top of my chest. My ex coined her my "little motor boat”, because even though she was still a kitten, she purred so contentedly and noisily when sleeping. Especially when her face was beside my ear, I couldn’t sleep back immediately because of the reverberating sounds, but I didn’t mind…I didn’t even want to move. I loved her warm weight and the fact that I have someone to sleep beside me every night (because during the weekends my ex stayed at her parents). Even when she became heavy and it became hard for me to breathe, I just didn’t mind.
As time went by, I got to love anything “cat”…Living all my life with dogs as playmates, I appreciated the mellow temperament of cats and their unique personality–especially their toilet habits. They’re proud and stubborn at times, but when they look at you and you’re speaking to them, it’s as if they understood every word. I even remember one night when I had a hard day at work and my personal life, I went to bed and cried. Kawee was looking at me curiously, tilting her head on the side as if thinking: “What is that thing coming out of my friends eyes?” So she cautiously moved closer to my face, smelling it a bit, then licked my tears and face. I savoured the moment and didn’t stop her right away even though I discovered that their tongues were painfully rough for the face. Cats are different. They understand but that doesn’t mean they’re going to follow your orders–especially when it came to grooming or going to the vet. When I had to trim Kawee’s nails, I had to wait until she fell asleep (reminded me of when I was a child because I was so ticklish) so that she won’t feel anything. Kawee was such a sound sleeper. I had a fun time putting her in different poses and doing the “why are you slapping yourself?” routine every time she slept. And Kawee was the partial reason, by the way, why I gained a lot of weight back…When I was supposed to jog on weekends or when I came back from work, looking at her just eating and laying around “like a boss”, I couldn’t help but to be in her company. So that’s how I spent majority of my weekends ever since, just inside the condo watching TV with her. She grew and I grew with her, you know what they say when you’re in a happy relationship.
When it was time to get one of he final vaccines for that month, it became harder for the vet because she was bigger and she even bit the doctor on his finger. Boy, was she a proud, stubborn fighter! I said sorry profusely and was worried because she didn’t have her rabies shot yet. Good thing I’ve been lucky with the doctors that I’ve met, he was honest enough to say that rabies aren’t innate or transferred genetically. An animal gets rabies only if it was bitten by an infected one. Of course I had a different idea on how rabies was, it’s a business--he said. Anyway, Kawee and I developed our own little daily routine eventually and just had minor setbacks when it came to my parents’ protectiveness of my asthma history. But in every battle we had to face with people, we managed to win and stick with each another.
It was the same month when I became a regular employee at my work (six months) that it was time for Kawee’s spaying. From the articles I’ve read online, it was clear that fixing your pet is the best option to keep the cat population at bay and to reduce the health risks of your feline friend in the long run, so I took her to an animal welfare clinic just outside of Makati City on a Saturday morning. When we got there, I saw the amazing job they do for all the animals (mostly cats) and because of their earlier captures that morning, we had to wait our turn for the operation. But the one in charge comforted me in saying that the female vet was one of the best in the country, and because they practice the small-incision neutering, it’s fast and less recuperation stress for the animal. As Kawee was placed beside the cages of all the other cats, I couldn’t help but be proud of her looks. She was such a beautiful cat, I couldn’t help but compare. It was obvious that she was nervous, and I’m still so sorry for letting her experience that, but she still looked divine.
I was told I can get her back by 3pm so my ex and I went out to lunch first and did some errands. Getting back, my cat was done and was coming out of her sedation a little bit. She kept looking around, going around and around the cage…panicky, compared to the others who would just lie there. The woman said that it was a sign of being healthy and in having good nutrition, that’s why Kawee was so already active. I was glad. I took her home and let her out of her cage. She needed rest but she was so stubborn and kept walking around the house like a drunk (of course I recorder her) for at least half an hour until she slept. After a week, our routine relatively came back to normal. We still played a little, but not as much. She began to play-bite me, but not as much. And she slept with me, but most of the time she just positioned herself on the foot of the bed. I even complained and forced her to let me carry and hug her because she was more elusive than usual. She even screeched a bit when I held her so long. She just wanted to be left alone and lay somewhere. I am fond of rubbing our noses together, and I did notice that her nose was a bit cool quite often but I just didn’t think much of it because she did seem normal and healthy–especially on occasions where she would jump and nick on my feet when I rubbed them together before going into bed.
A month passed and my co-worker presented to me an opportunity of owning a two-month old puppy for free. I just couldn’t resist! I love the image of a cat and dog being best friends, and I wanted a companion for Kawee for so long. I was supposed to adopt another cat at the welfare, but it didn’t pull through. I took the puppy home, a female mini pincher…the tiniest among the lot. Of course I knew Kawee would be ignorant and run away at the sight of this very playful and friendly puppy. For the two nights and a day that the puppy stayed with me, I had spent those days picking up poop and wiping pee off the floor. So hands-down, I decided that I was a full-fledged cat lady and let my other friend adopt “Willow”. During those days though, I’ve noticed that Kawee hadn’t touched her food or gone to the toilet for pooping that much; but I thought that maybe she just couldn’t get a moment to eat or poop in peace with the puppy always up to her neck and all. A couple of days passed and I still haven’t found poop, and one time, even pee in her litter box, and her food was still up to the rim. It was also then that I found out she had vomited my hair tie on the floor that I decided to get her to the vet.
Mind you, I keep my hair ties hidden, but she still manages to get to them, and this wasn’t the first time. About four months ago, I also found a barfed-out hair tie, but she was fine. Anyway, walking the puppy days before wasn’t such a waste, because that’s when I found out that there was a new vet clinic in town. So that’s where I decided to take Kawee. It was a good decision. They checked her up and did an x-ray and I told them about the scrunchy, but they said there wasn’t anything else foreign inside her. Besides, cats have a great ability to regurgitate so they didn’t think the scrunchy was really the issue. They just told me to give her olive oil to aid her in her probable constipation because they found in the x-ray that there were already lots of poop inside her. So I did. A couple of days, still nothing. She vomited once or twice a day so I gave her a laxative by the third night and fourth morning, still nothing. By that night, I went home and found brown vomit by the side of my bed. Until last Saturday, when I woke up from my siesta and found her laying so weak on the floor, I decided to bring her back.
I just went out on a whim and didn’t know if they were open Saturday afternoons. Relief. They were open. The moment I opened her cage and the vet saw her just laying there, the vet immediately commented how different Kawee already was. She was so weak. For the first couple of hours, she felt Kawee’s stomach again. Every touch left my cat screeching in so much pain. I could hardly bear it. The vet x-rayed her, and there were still no obtrusions visible but there was a suspicious liquid around her abdomen. I told the vet that her last vomit was already brown, she told me that’s because her poop was already trying to somewhat come out the other end. Another couple of hours passed with me just holding and comforting my cat while the doctor tried to get a blood sample. There wasn’t any coming out and we already wasted a few needles. I asked in alarm why is that, maybe she didn’t have any blood left. She told me that Kawee’s veins are restricting the blood flow, so she injected Kawee’s IV with adrenalin. As she gave Kawee a few minutes to de-stress, I just held her head in my hands. Put my hand over her face, trying to warm her nose up, as it was so clammy. As a few tears escaped the grip of my eyes, Kawee looked at me and buried her head further into my hands and tried to sleep. We were both in agony. She was in physical pain; I was in emotional pain of not being able to do anything to make my friend feel better.
A few times I talked to her, said sorry, rubbed our noses together again and again hoping I could warm her up faster. Kawee is so funny. When a dachshund came in to get his shot, Kawee sat up, seemed strong and looked at the dog straight into his eyes. Such a proud cat. So strong-willed. I can hardly bear the pain of the memory while writing this. It was already night time and I even felt sorry for everyone who had to stay until late for my Kawee. The doctor and I decided to open her up, we both knew the risks but it wasn’t like I had any other choice. I wanted to get to the bottom of this. Because she was the only one on duty, she had to contact one of her partners to come in to help her out during the operation. I stayed with Kawee until the other doctor arrived and then we were asked to have our dinner. It was already around 9pm. After an hour, we came back and the doctor told me that they decided not to open her up. Instead, they did a direct extraction–where they directly got a sample from Kawee’s stomach, and found the liquid to be dark red and a bit thick. This very compassionate and good doctor, as persistent as she is of finding no reason to open my cat up, called up her former professor to consult her findings. At this time, she was very careful in explaining to me my cat’s condition. She explained that Kawee is a suspected case of Feline Infectious Peritonitis. It’s a very, very rare virus/illness specific to cats and that Kawee probably got it from her mother via placental transfer. In short, Kawee had it ever since. There was nothing I could’ve done. It’s like cancer, nobody really knows or when it is triggered and that it takes months to develop. Deep inside I knew something really bad was going on, but I never wanted to expect this.
As tears flowed freely on my face and even the doctor’s face, she said that if maybe I wanted to keep Kawee in the clinic for a while…make her comfortable and give her antibiotics or even if I wanted to take her home for the night? But I said, and then what, what happens after? The vet was quiet for a few seconds and eventually told me that in cases like these, she would recommend to let the animal be put down. I tried my hardest to suck in all my tears and pain until my head ached.
Then I asked, are you sure there’s nothing else…we could do to prevent it? No, there still wasn’t any vaccine for this kind of illness, she didn’t know why. So I mustered up everything inside me and asked if it were okay if we euthanized her tonight. And as stubborn as this doctor is too, because she hated putting animals to sleep (she was still trying to get over her previous patient who had parvo), she asked me if I wanted to sleep on it first. But…and I feel guilty about this…if Kawee was in pain and would still eventually die, what’s the use? I didn’t have enough money already for the present expenses, let alone board her. I'm so sorry Kawee. So the vet agreed and we were prepping up. I felt dying inside; this was a new kind of pain for me, a pain I wish I’d never get to feel ever again. So for the last time, I held Kawee’s head in my hands…sobbing, I put our head together and profusely said sorry to her…said I loved her. I couldn’t imagine my days without her. I even remembered saying to my ex a few months ago: “Gosh, cats have a long life! I am already thinking of ways on how I could bring her with me if ever I moved abroad...or I was thinking I'll just spend Christmas this year alone, just so I won’t have to leave her, since I have to fly back to my hometown. I can’t even remember my life not ever having her. It’s like she’s been with me ever since I stayed in Manila.”
As I held her, the doctor asked me for the last time if I was sure. I said no, but she’s in so much pain…I don’t know what else to do. So the vet guided me in every step. First, she injected the sedative…Kawee jerked around, in panic…all we could do is cry and tell her that everything’s all right. When she calmed down, the vet took the next syringe and told me that she was going to put in the potassium chloride to stop her heart…I said wait…wait…she might still feel it…No, she wouldn’t. And as the doctor put it in, Kawee was grasping for her breath…I was kind of panicking, what’s happening? What’s happening? Then I heard and saw Kawee jerk out her last breath. Then I felt her weight…her empty weight on my hands. I cried so hard. I am crying now. I tried closing her eyes…the vet said in a teary voice that cats don’t close their eyes. So I looked at my friend’s eyes…those empty, dark and unresponsive eyes…shook her a little…Called out to her: “Kawee! Kawee…please…move…” I so wanted for her to still wake up despite everything. Instead, I was the one who closed my eyes, buried my head and cried. Cried until my head ached so much more. I just couldn’t believe it. She was healthy, we were happy…and just like that she was a dead weight in my hands. That active and deviant kitten left. Left me. For a few minutes we just sat there, I was still holding her…Then I asked for paper and a stamp pad. I almost forgot. I’ve been planning to get Kawee’s paws tattooed on me. I almost forgot. Almost. Then, it was really time to say goodbye. They carefully wrapped her in a plastic bag for transport to the burial site. For the last time I felt her body through the plastic…I just wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready not to see her ever. Everyday.
I walked home crying and carrying her cage, and all I could think of was that it was so light. Her cage was so fucking light. Then, as I put in the keys to my door and opened it…I stayed outside for a while…waiting for something. Waiting for Kawee to go out to greet me. Nothing. And it was a forecast of my future days…no friend greeting me back home. Entering our condo was the second hardest thing I did that night…looking everywhere, all I could see was her. Kawee’s hair was in every table, every floor, every thing and every crevice of the room. Her litter box was still intact and still had a clump of pee left behind. I saw her toys, her scratching post, and realized that I could never hear her scratch again, every morning, as she would stretch out her sleepiness. That night, as I slept in the dark, I called out to her inviting her to my bed. I waited, crying, until I fell asleep. No dream. I woke up around 5am and as fast as I realized that I was awake, the faster I realized that everything wasn’t a dream and cried again until I fell asleep for the second time. Still, no dream of a visit from my friend. The next day I called up my family…they were shocked and because I was crying hard at the other end my dad wanted to catch the next flight to Manila just to support me. He’d move heaven and earth if he had to, he said. But I just wanted to be alone; I needed time alone to grieve. Kawee died Saturday, until today at work I still find myself crying within the gaps of the day. How could I ever get over this? I dreamed about her last night you know, finally. But it was just so short and I could hardly remember I ever dreamt it. It was simple. I just saw Kawee walking past in front of me, and from the second I saw her, I ran up to her and hugged her. Kawee! Kawee…That was all I said. Then I woke up.
Since I’ve been a child, I loved animals and wanted to be a veterinarian. But living in Davao City and the University of the Philippines (Los Banos) as the only school nearest in the country to get that degree…Ah, there were hindrances–both personal and geographically. So having an advertising job that I don’t love, I’m starting to believe that maybe God played everything out to give me that push I need to pursue the career I wanted. Besides, even the doctor kept urging me to pursue it. So far, everything just fits…except losing Kawee. I still have this feeling that if I didn’t get her neutered, she would’ve still lived longer or something. It hurts me that maybe I had something to do with everything, more or less. The positive thought would be me having given her a spoiled life, I didn’t leave her. God sent me as a blessing to her. Anyway, as one of my favourite quotes would say: “The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me.” –Buffy the Vampire Slayer. What’s left are her cat hairs all over the house and scars on my hands and feet from her “love bites”…These are the only scars I wish would never heal, seeing them reminds me of our yesterdays. I lost Kawee, but we both found each other.
END
My original Tumblr post back in June 13, 2011 can be found here: https://bebravelive9lives.tumblr.com/post/6483815677/a-story-about-loss-found
Although I do not recommend reading it since I've made a few situational and grammatical changes here in my new website.
I had the urge to repost it here, in my newer website, because I just watched Anna Akana's latest YouTube video about her having to euthanize her sick cat. So I remembered (as I will never forget) the experience and life I had with Kawee. Thank God I still had my Tumblr password automatically saved on my laptop since I haven't opened it up since 2012. I rummaged through the archives for thirty minutes until I found the post entry I was looking for. So a genuine and special thanks to Anna Akana, one of my favourite YouTubers, for triggering me into reminiscing a bittersweet past.
You can watch her video and subscribe to her channel here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ReWZwf5NNRw&t=150s
Also, even though I had already realized it back then, looking back now, I get to appreciate more how truly life-altering that chance encounter with a wet stray kitten was---how with one simple act of kindness for another living creature have molded me into the person who have made choices, created some things, and which eventually have led me to the life I now live, with the human character I now have.
Eight years later, and a WHOLE LOT of cats in between, Kawee is still with me and still making me think of her and write about her once in a while.
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