New Year's Resolution: Be Positive

At the tail end of 2021, I thought I finally had my shit together, thought I finally figured my life out at least for the near future. For a few months there, I literally "cured" myself out of my lifelong/chronic depression because I was so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired: I read a self-help book, micro-dosed on mushrooms and LSD which really helped me to do a lot of shadow work and heal my inner child and forgive everybody--including myself and my parents. I did a lot more exercise and took up the habit of meditation, I put in the effort to meet new friends since my odd-hour job and the start of the pandemic made me so socially isolated, I was eventually working two jobs which fit my schedule and my active lifestyle quite nicely (even though I was loving neither of them), and even went on a road trip with my best friend, which ultimately brought us closer together in spite a couple of quarrels along the way. All in all, I had never felt more connected, happy, and content with my relationship with nature, my family, and most importantly, myself, in my entire life. I felt that I had finally started to make it. I finally understood the concept and saying: "happiness is a choice".

Then all of a sudden, I felt an itch. An itch in my throat.

And just like a plot twist from a B-rated horror movie, I tested positive. When I wished to be a more positive person, this wasn't, at all, what I had in mind. It was like some pretentious high school wannabe scriptwriter pulled a deus ex machina out of his young, still shiny hairless asshole, but because he didn't quite understand what that Latin phrase meant, he used it wrong. As I was so successfully trying to save myself, all of a sudden the structures that I've carefully built around me for the past few months--mentally, physically, and emotionally--became sprawled all over my tear-stained carpeted floors for no good fucking reason.

Then, I realized that the meme oracles were telling the truth: 2022 is 2020 too. I mean, how could I have been so stupid in being optimistic and purchasing all those tickets for events and concerts this year? One had already been cancelled and two has been postponed, the rest I have yet to get an email notification for--of course, no refunds so far, only credit. It's like having money frozen in a bank or a failed stock investment I can't withdraw from just yet.

It really feels like I am back at square one. I'm only on my third day of my home isolation and already I feel my mental health regressing. My sister forbids me going out with people outside our social circle after I am well, for their peace of mind--which is understandable and I guess, fair. One of my employers reprimanded me for still going to work even though she already told me not to go--which is totally fair and I am sorry--I just felt guilty at the time because I didn't feel sick anymore after a day so I thought it was just a fluke, and since it was really busy with all the holiday orders, I wanted to be there for support. I guess that's what they meant by "no good deed is left unpunished". While my other employer couldn't give two shits except for asking when I was going to be able to get back to work since she just approved time off for another baker.

But permit me to digress...

Technically, for the latter, I already quit last December but still gave her two days on my week since I know it's difficult to find a replacement...but then she just kept requesting another month. The reason why I quit the first time was that our manager is an anti-vaxxer and conspiracy theorist (the worst kind--loves Trump, a self-righteous vegan, flat-Earther, plus, thinks the Holocaust wasn't real, among other things). Ironically, now that I look back, I got exposed to her because she still went to work in spite being clearly sick, because to her, it was just a regular flu, so that was the first time I went to the Covid testing site during my day off. Thankfully, it came out negative. While the owner, during that work day, was basically nonchalant when I called her regarding my grievances. I had told her I was worried since I have family members who had cancer, but she just said she wished she could let me go home if I wasn't comfortable and strong enough to handle working with my manager but she just doesn't have anyone else available. Now, that's some passive-aggressive shit right there--which I just had to ignore, but when my other co-bakers started to complain to me as well about how our manager was still working sick during their shifts, I eventually let the owner have it through text--about how she doesn't care about her other good employees and sacrificing them for one, and her not following the health protocols. Sure, after that I heard the manager took a break and then found out she was Covid positive, but when she got better, still went back to work unvaccinated, as far as I know (I adamantly requested to not have any shifts with her after that first day of exposure).

Suffice to say, I think one good thing that I can see for now with my getting sick is that, I finally got to quit that baking job. I wanted to quit since the first day I started, but I had to toughen it up for the sake of my Permanent Residency requirements. The waking up at 3AM and the labour-intensive hazardous work environment was just not for me; and it was especially hard in the beginning having to memorize the processes and detailed routine of it all. But since I've already garnered enough hours (almost two years worth) and have submitted my application, I can work wherever I want--to an extent. Honestly, I really don't know why getting my PR approved is such a big deal to me...would it make any difference? Would I feel more free? Maybe.

And anyway I know, I know...I've been luckier than most--still found a job I could do in the middle of a pandemic (even if barely), and I'm in BC, Canada where there are lots of nature activities to go around and we never really went hard on the lockdown and there were months where we could still dine out and have fun. I've also received relief funds, got double-vaxxed, and I haven't lost anybody due to Covid (unless it's eventually me, even if just mentally). Like my best friend said, who is a dialysis nurse in Australia, that she would kill for my problems. Factually, and in applying mindfulness, I am aware enough to acknowledge my privileges in life, etcetera, etcetera...AND the main reasons I had kept my depressive nature in check is by way of practicing stoicism, trying to be the most empathetic and helpful human being as I could be, and having a gratitude attitude (though it is dwindling in this post); BUT what has been fairly consistent in my core beliefs is really being an optimistic nihilist and an agnostic--I'm a spiritual person and I do feel like there is some power or magic in the universe, though, whether it's a simulation, aliens, or what not--I'm open for theories. But after hearing my family talk about my being sick was part of God's plan, I think I'm going to be an all-out atheist by the time my isolation period is through. It's just so fucking annoying and infuriating to hear.

How can there be any plan by anyone at all when clearly, in the great scheme of things, nothing really matters. THERE. IS. NO. PLAN. There is no rhythm or rhyme to our existence. It's either you make a difference (good or bad) in society's history through hard work or you die anonymously--Like Betty White or that guy. That's it. Bad shit happens to good people and vice-versa--and that's why it doesn't even matter if you try your best to avoid getting Covid--you will get it when you get it. Get it? It's already part of life, it will be one of the flu vaccines we prepare for every year. And you will either have mild symptoms or you could die. So what? It is what it is. It's the "reality" we are in. What does God have anything to do with it! When my father (my actual blood-father) said: "Maybe God wants you to change your ways for the better that's why you got infected, because he wants you to become closer to him." What the actual fuck. Seriously? And this is the same God he prayed to asking for my results to come out "negative". I've always had issues with regards to feeling "not being good enough or not being enough", which I have been trying to consistently resolve, but this is just too much. This is spiritual abuse. First of all, when does being hurt by someone make you want to be closer to them? And yes, I do realize that these are, in fact, my dad's words and not actually God's...but this is exactly what's wrong with religion being an institution. They can make excuses for anything and take your self-esteem down with them to their specific hell. Jesus fucking Christ. Well, I refuse to be told that how I've lived my life as a responsible citizen, student, professional, great friend, and caring family member is NOT good enough for God! I can send him my references, goddamit!

But apart from "God thinking I'm not good enough", what really struck me the most being sick at this day and age, is how fast I became an "other" to my own family and that one friend I've had contacts with before I realized I've gotten sick. And again, understandable--they are just trying to protect their family. Unfortunately for me, I'm a single 34-year old (coming this January19) who spent her Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve, and New Year's Day alone in her room. And so what? I'm not big on holidays anyway. It's just that it's as if I had full control of my getting Covid--while we were all doing boxing day at a downtown mall. Sure, maybe I got it from my other friend (who, until now, is happy and healthy, and might just be a carrier--the point is, at this time having a lot of variants, people cannot really tell where or when they got it!) I think the new stigma and racist-esque thing that is coming out of this pandemic is that if you get sick, it's automatically a hundred percent your fault, and people get internally upset and worried that they were breathing the same air as you. Again, I mean, I understand, but still, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

But this post isn't all gloom and doom. I am super grateful to all my friends and online friends, and my sister who really made me feel that they cared and reached out to make me feel better and left me with good vibes. Just a simple message of concern and inquiry really made me feel less alone and not debilitatingly worthless again or that my existence is just really conditional.

In conclusion, these are my New Year's Resolutions:

1. When you wish to be a more positive person, specify the "what" or "how"

2. End my extra-curricular social life, until further notice

3. Nothing really matters so have fun as much as you can, up to a point

4. Don't work for people you hate

5. Take note on how people in your life make you feel, act accordingly

6. Don't let anybody make you feel bad about yourself, even if it's God

7. Reciprocate effort with effort

8. Don't care too much about the "small stuff"

9. It's all small stuff. Don't take life too seriously.

10. Don't regress back to a depressed perspective at the slightest inconvenience

11. Love myself more than last year

12. Get that PR